Scars

Something has been on my heart for a couple of weeks and I’ve decided it’s time to put it into words…  In John 20:27, after the resurrection, Jesus meets up with Thomas, who is having such a hard time believing that Jesus is alive and this is what happens…  “Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

I can close my eyes and see this…  Thomas must have been a bit tentative to touch.  I can’t imagine the kind of scars that nails…  stakes driven through a hand would leave…  To see them would be hard enough, but to actually touch them…  Something in me would want to recoil, to turn away…  But I know I would force myself to look…  to touch.  Even thinking about it, I can feel the chills on the back of my neck…  an icky feeling in the pit of my stomach…  

But how beautifully intimate that Jesus let him see and touch…  Think about what those scars stood for, at least from the world’s perspective…  In the world’s eyes, they were the scars of humiliation…  The proof that Jesus had suffered the most degrading, humiliating form of punishment and death possible, crucifixion…  the kind of punishment saved for the worst kind of criminal.  It was so awful, the Romans did not allow their own citizens to be crucified.

But in heaven’s view, those scars were signs of a great victory!  Victory over sin and death…  Proof that God is more powerful than anything the world, than evil, can dish out!  They were proof that beauty can come from ashes…  joy from mourning…  hope from despair…  life from death!

And here’s what hit me the last couple of weeks…  Do I feel that way about my own scars in my life?  Maybe they’re not physical scars, but what about the emotional scars that we all carry from living in a fallen world…  True, some scars are worse than others…  But we all have scars!

So how do you see your scars?  Are they reminders of humiliation?  Do you hide them and keep them secret?  Or are they reminders of victory?  Of redemption and restoration?  Of God’s great power, grace and love?

And just as importantly, are we willing to let others see and touch our scars?  Are we willing to share our stories?  Think about what overcame Thomas’ doubt…  It was seeing and touching the scars of Jesus…  It was being able to step into Jesus’ story for a moment and experience the victory that He had experienced!  What great hope that must have given him!!

Yes, there may be things about your story that cause others to recoil…to want to turn away…to maybe even judge you…  BUT, what if letting someone else see our scars, even just one person, could help them overcome their doubts about Jesus?  Would it be worth opening up our hearts and lives and saying to the world, “See my scars…  see what Jesus has done…  see what is possible in a relationship with Him…  stop doubting and believe!”

I am so thankful for the scars of Jesus…  I am overwhelmed at all they tell me…  A story of the greatest sacrifice anyone could ever imagine…  A grace that is truly amazing…  Mercy that is limitless…  Love that is unfathomable…  Victory that is unimaginable!  The story, the truth, behind those scars is transforming…  But maybe God would use your story…  your scars to transform a life too…

But here's the thing...  You have to let Him heal your wounds first...  You have to let Him work victory, redemption and restoration in your own life!  Have you experienced the promises of Isaiah 61:1-4?  Have you let Him bring beauty from the ashes in your own life?  If not, say yes to that journey...  Find someone who is willing to share their scars and let them walk with you on that journey...  (You can e-mail me if you'd like).

But if God has done, or is doing, a great work in your life...  Then let's be willing to let others 'see and touch' our scars!

"Now's My Chance!"

I haven’t written in a while, just no time, but I’ve learned something that is worth writing about!  On Sunday, our pastor preached the most outstanding sermon on loving your enemies and he left us with a challenge to remind ourselves of 3 simple words when conflict arises with other people…

The phrase…  “Now’s my chance…”  My chance to  love…to show mercy and grace…to be kind, instead of condemning, forgiving instead of judgmental or critical…  and wow, the results have been cool.

Without giving too many details, there has been a person in my life who has been causing me SO much turmoil, mainly because it involves one of my children (mama bear on the loose!)…  But I decided to live out “Now’s my chance” and I’ve reached out with encouragement and kindness, instead of pouring verbal acid all over the person, like I wanted to do.  And the coolest thing, the person has responded back with kindness and encouragement.

And then just this morning, I received a threatening message from the State Revenue department claiming that I had not filed or paid my sales tax since September of last year…  NOT…  I have a cleared check to prove I did…  I even talked to this person 10 days ago about the very same thing and still he left me a message threatening me with legal action.

I was furious…  But I took a deep breath, whispered the words, “Now’s my chance,” and called him back.  I expressed my frustration, but not in anger, just very matter of fact…  I reminded him that I’ve consistently worked with him… I’ve never avoided his calls…  I’ve worked diligently to make sure everything is current and accurate…  And I told him that I didn’t think it was fair for him to leave me threatening messages.

Sure enough, as he looked into it, he could tell me every month and what I had paid for that month and by the end of the conversation he apologized and admitted that he should have looked into it, before he called me.

In both situations, I had every right to be angry, to even blast the person for their actions…  But I’ve been challenged by our sermons the last two weeks to set aside my rights and just love the person who is infringing on my rights.  I won’t say it’s easy…  I think if I’m really honest, I want the person to pay who’s hurting me…frustrating me…whatever…  But as we approach Easter, how can I not remember that over 2000 years ago, my Heavenly Father chose not to make me pay a debt that was greater than I could ever hope to repay…  Instead, He had His Son pay it for me and today I am forgiven and debt free because of that grace and love and mercy…  How can I even think of not offering that to those who hurt me?!

And interestingly, the more I practice, “Now’s my chance,” (I have a TON of opportunities in just 2 days!) the easier it gets…  I love the results of reconciled relationships…  They are far sweeter than anger, anxiety and unforgiveness.

Miracles Still Happen!

Last night something happened that 6 weeks ago I really didn't think would be possible...  I'll spare you repeating the details of Zack's injury (you can scroll down to other posts if you've missed what happened to him), but in those initial weeks, I prayed hoping, but honestly, I was struggling to believe it would really happen...  It wasn't a question of whether or not God could heal him quickly, but I also knew that God doesn't always choose to intervene in the natural course of life and I had to come to a place where that was ok too...

I learned that letting go and opening your hand to whatever God has planned is a process... a moment by moment decision, not a one time act...  I learned that when I trust God and believe He is good, no matter what the circumstances look like, it is a much easier place to walk than struggling against what life holds...  Joy is a choice and it will flood into our hearts when we let go and just let God be God... 

I am so thankful that God has chosen to intervene in the natural course of healing and last night Zack played in his first game of his senior year...  If you could have seen the initial wound, you would understand why this is truly a miracle...  (If you want to see it, let me know and we'll text you a photo...  just be prepared though, you'll get an anatomy lesson on the lower part of the leg!)

Thought you might like to see some photos...

Back in his role as one of the captains...

Waiting to go onto the field...  I can't even describe how fast my heart was beating!  There's something so lonely about this picture to me...  It was a hard thing to do, and yet it was something he had to do by himself...  As a mom, I wanted to hug him...  tell him to 'kick butt'...  encourage him... but it was one of those moments where all I could do was watch and pray...

His best friend (who is our goalie) game him a hug when he came onto the field (so did R's younger brother)...  I love those boys!!  It was special to watch his teammates welcome him back!  They are a great group of guys!!

His first big quick...  The inside of his right ankle is where the injury is so it takes the full impact of almost everything...  It looked great after the game though!!

His first foul... the other team was screaming for a Yellow Card... Zack is back!

I was really dreading his first slide tackle!

Zack had great care...  He used wisdom in caring for his injury...  He had a fantastic doctor...  But my greatest thanks is to everyone who prayed for him because ultimately, all of this was in God's hands...  And while I am so thankful to have the blessing and pleasure of watching him play in his senior season, I am even more thankful for all the terrible things that were avoided...  Infection...skin graft...  I could go on and on...  To God be the glory...

It Wasn't Luck!

So I’ll just say at the start, if you’re reading this post (it’s going to be a long one) and you’re not a Christian, you will probably find it an odd post…  Well, you probably find most of my posts odd, weird, or whatever other term you might have for someone who lives by their faith…  But that’s ok…  Because when I look back on the day of Zack’s accident, and all that has happened since, I think it’s odd to say what happened to him was luck, or simply good fortune… 

Remembering is an important act in the Christian faith…  In remembering, our faith grows.  We look back and we can see how God has intervened in situations, how He has done things that couldn’t possibly be luck or coincidence, and our faith grows…  If you were to go back and read our adoption story with Abby, you would see the hand of God at work…  The story of how Nick got into Southlake…  And on the day of Zack’s accident, God’s handprint was everywhere...  So today, I want to take a minute and remember and just be thankful....

This wasn’t a little accident that happened to Zack…  A 1300 pound piece of equipment ran up the lower part of his leg… He had just tripped and fallen on a pallet about 6 inches high…  So part of his leg was on concrete and part of it was at an angle, unsupported by anything, and not one single bone snapped, broke, or even cracked a little…

From that sitting down position, with his leg at an odd angle, Zack was able to lift up on that 1300 pound piece of machinery, and with upper body strength alone, he was able to push it off of his leg.  It’s important to understand that he lifted it up…  The top part of his wound is much deeper than the part over the ankle bone, if he had not lifted up, it would have taken out his ankle bone…  Psalm 91:11 says, “For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways…”  There are some unusual notions in the world today about angels.   I don’t buy into them, because they go far beyond what Scripture teaches us about angels, but when I look back at that day with Zack, I believe Psalm 91:11! 

Adrenaline can only go so far in explaining how a 17 year old boy, from a sitting down position, with a heavy piece of equipment on his leg, could not only push the equipment off of his leg, but lift it up and push it off…  His boss said that he doubted that Scott and himself together could have lifted it… 

If you have a weak stomach, I’m not sure you want to read this next part, but it’s the part that every time I think about it I am filled with gratitude …  The treads of the machine cut down into his leg, chewing up his leg from just below his calf, to over the top of his ankle…(It’s the inside right leg)   When he looked down, he could literally see the blood pulsing through both of his arteries on either side of the wound…  The nurse told me this week that if those two arteries had been cut, he would have bled out pretty quickly…  One artery wouldn’t have been as bad, but my mom (who is also a nurse) said, that even a trained medical person would have had a hard time stopping the bleeding of two…  That tread that did so much damage, cut cleanly between those two arteries, it didn’t even nick one of them!

But then, as we learned later when the ER doctor gave my husband an anatomy lesson on the lower part of Zack’s leg, the bone was exposed, both ligaments over the ankle and the main tendon that runs down the front of the leg…  It missed everything that would have impacted his ability to walk!

That day, he was working on a job at my friend’s house and another friend, who is a trained nurse, stopped by…  She had had no plans to go to my friend’s house that day…  Her husband even asked her why she was going…  But in a text to me the day after it happened, she said she told her husband that “she just felt led” (that inner prompting to do something that I truly believe has a source that is greater than emotion or indigestion!)…  She knew exactly what to do to keep Zack from going into shock!

Zack is a soccer player, it’s his senior year and he had been named a captain, something he had worked hard for these last few years…  Of course that was his first thought and one of the EMT’s in the ambulance was a soccer player…  She encouraged him and she understood his heartbreak…

The nurse assigned to him was the head of the Pediatric Sedation Committee at the hospital…  She was an advocate for Zack and his treatment…  She was our angel in the ER.  The ER doctors were great in the long run, but they actually considered the possibility of cleaning out the wound and just stitching him up in the ER…  Every fiber of my being wanted to scream at them, “You’re crazy!”  But I just prayed about the wisdom to know what to fight for, when to fight and when to be quiet…  It was that wonderful nurse who was outside the room fighting for Zack…  You see, they could sedate him, but not put him to sleep in the ER…  What needed to be done to him was excruciating, he needed to be put to sleep and that’s what she fought for!

While I was desperately praying for wisdom for the doctors, a friend of mine had called her brother-in-law who is a plastic surgeon.  He drove out of his way to come to the hospital and ‘just happened’ to be there when the ER doctors gave us their treatment plan…  He was able to assure us that they were doing the right thing…  Later, he would play an important part in confirming for us that prayers had been answered…  He also said it was the dirtiest wound he had ever seen…  It was full of mud, rocks and mulch, yet there was never even a hint of infection!

We were told that because so much of the tissue had been chewed up, they would most likely put in a wound vac and in a couple of weeks do a skin graft…  In surgery the next day, the surgeon closed it…  The plastic surgeon I was just telling you about said, “The only reason they were able to close that wound is because prayers were answered.”  We went 4 weeks before we knew for certain that he wouldn’t need a graft…  4 weeks of literally watching a serious wound heal (from the inside out) before our eyes…  We have literally had the blessing of watching prayers be answered every day…

There are so many other ‘little’ things I could tell you about…  But what I hope and pray that you see is that Zack was NOT lucky…  He was blessed and he was protected…  I don’t know why God chooses to do things the way He does…  It has nothing to do with us…  And this is where faith comes in…  It has EVERYTHING to do with God’s plan, His mercy, His goodness… 

A very long time ago, in the Garden of Eden, mankind opened a door for sin and suffering and death to enter in and every day we feel the effects of that open door…  Zack got hurt that day because of the world we live in…  God wasn’t snoozing on the job…  He wasn’t punishing anyone for anything…  It’s just what happens because we live in a ‘fallen’ world…  But that day, for whatever reason, God cupped His hands around Zack and said, “This far and no further…” 

Tomorrow it could be a different story, it has been for some friends of mine lately, but even my friend whose husband was tragically killed in an accident last week, found the courage to sing these words at his funeral…  “Blessed be the name of the LORD…  He gives and takes away… My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name.”

God is good…  It’s not luck…  And I am grateful that I don’t live my life at the whim of an unfriendly universe… Instead, I can walk in joy and confidence because I live my life in the hand of a great and mighty God, who loves me beyond my wildest imagination and who takes trials and tragedy and turns them into triumph…  Since I can only speak for myself, I will always be grateful for how God has used this trial in our life…  And forever Zack’s leg will be a ‘remembering stone’ to all of us that God is at work in the world and miracles do still happen.

Before The Chaff Can Be Separated...

As I stood in church this past Sunday, it hit me how tired I was…  I often find myself in survival mode, doing whatever has to be done but not really living.  But I’m starting to learn that to really live, to really experience life, we have to acknowledge the good and the bad… Not just live the good and survive the bad…

So as I considered how tired I was, an image came to mind from one of my trips to Africa…  

I love this picture of the gogo (grandmother) chaffing the corn…  I love the cloud of dry, useless chaff as it blows away…  I love that the good part that’s left will nourish the children…  I love that it only takes a gentle wind to blow the chaff away…

But then something hit me…  There is so much more to that picture, something had to happen before the chaff could be separated…  It’s the part that I don’t like to think about, it’s the part where I usually find myself struggling, or at the very least, just surviving…  It’s the part where the corn has to be beaten, or threshed, so the chaff can be loosened.

So as I stood there on Sunday, I realized that that was why I’m so tired…  Physically tired, but even more so emotionally…  If you follow my blog, you know our oldest son was hurt pretty seriously a few weeks ago…  But in addition to that, there has been a multitude of small, but unusual annoyances on top of it, not even worth listing, but draining on our finances, our time and even our sleep…

However, as I reflect back over the last few weeks, I can see that God truly has been taking this threshing from life and He has been gently blowing away the worthless attitudes, beliefs and habits that weigh me down and keep me from being the person He created me to be…(I’ll share more of that over the next couple of weeks…)

As we’ve walked through these last few weeks with Zack, I’ve learned something that I think will forever change my life…  When tough things happen, I have a choice…  I can let them rob me of so much…joy and peace… my faith and trust... OR I can take back from them…  I can learn from them…  I can grow in my relationship with my Abba Father and those around me…  I can let God use them to shape me into the person He created me to be…

The bottom line is that when we submit to the ‘threshings’ of life, instead of resisting them, trying to escape from them or fighting against them, we WIN…  what is intended for evil becomes an instrument to bring about good in our lives and the lives of others and ultimately it is used for the glory of God!

THE END of the DMV Story...

Before I tell you what happened today at the DMV, I just have to tell you what Nick told me that happened in the testing area while he was waiting for me (to fail my road test last week)...

A very, VERY senior lady came in to renew her license...  She couldn't read the first three lines of the vision test...  So she said, "Wait, let me try these other glasses."  At which point she pulled out a pair of glasses that were so big Nick thought they were sunglasses.  The DMV officer said, "Mam, you do wear those glasses when you drive don't you?"  "Oh, no...  they told me I didn't have to."  "But mam, your license clearly says that you HAVE to wear those glasses."

Conclusion, she's been driving around for 4-8 years, however long she's had her current license, NOT wearing the glasses that help her see.  And then from there, she proceeded to miss most of the signs on her sign test...  And yep, you probably already guessed it...  they renewed her license!!

So today, I needed my license, Zack needed his over 18 license and Nick still needed to get his permit, so Scott decided to take us all (he was concerned if I failed again, they might not let me drive home!)...

We arrived at the same office as last week to find a note on the door that they were closed today for employee training (won't help I bet!)...  So we went to another office that was close by...  Same situation!   So we took off to an office out in the country, about 35 minutes away...  FRUSTRATION doesn't even begin to describe how we felt...

We waited our turn and finally, I got my second try at the road test...  The lady was so kind...  We got into the car and I said, "Mam, if it's ok, I'd like to leave my GPS in the window.  The man failed me last week because he said I was speeding.  But the way my speedometer sits, it casts a shadow and looks like I'm driving 5 miles faster than I really am."

Get this... She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to worry about a thing...  You had that mean old man down at the other office... I'm not like that...  You wouldn't believe how many people come up here because of him!"

When I finished the test (even though I couldn't back in a straight line), she patted my arm and said, "You did just fine...just fine."  Of course, I'm thinking... "Yea, and I thought the guy last week was nice, what if she's just messing with me?"

I walked back into the DMV office and Nick looked at me and his eyes said, "Well?"  I just shrugged my shoulders because I was so afraid it was going to be like last week and she was going to walk through the door, pull off her nice lady personality to reveal the DMV shark lurking beneath...  But thankfully, she was TRULY a very nice lady...

So I am once again a licensed driver...  WAHOO...  I will be grafitti painting the expiration date of my new license on some wall of the house!  (Just kidding!)  Seriously though, if you haven't already, go check the expiration date on your license!!

I Failed A Road Test... FOR REAL!!

So first, an update on Zack...  Thank you so much for your prayers...  We're still on track to avoid a skin graft.  And, if we're still on track next week, his stitches will come out Wednesday morning...

So now for the funny story...  Imagine being a 46 year old adult and having to re-take your road test for your driver's license...  Could you pass?  Are you sure?  Guess what...

Here's what happened...  My driver's license expired... kind of embarrassing, but it's over a year expired...  No real excuse except that I don't look at my driver's license...don't really need too...  and it wasn't until the bank caught it that I even realized it had expired.  But then life hit and I let the summer slide by without renewing it, and now I'm over a year...

I had set aside today to take Nick to get his learner's permit and I was going to renew my license... Time consuming, but straight forward right?  WRONG...

I had done my homework and our DMV website says this for a license expired over a year...

"Driving Skills ( Road Test ) (at the discretion of the Examiner)"

I thought, "46...  road test at the discretion of the examiner...  no problem...  I have a perfect driving record...  why on earth would they make me take a road test?"  WRONG again...  Because they can if they want to (make an example of you)!!

So Nick had to wait on me because he can't get his permit without a licensed driver...  So 90 minutes later I take the written test and miss only one question...  Cool... I'm sailing...  Driving test...  No problem...

WRONG again...  3 strikes and I'm out!!

The guy seemed so nice...  kind of grandfatherly...  teasing me... we even laughed about the extremes that a girl would go to feel younger in a mid life crisis!

Well, don't let those sweet grandfatherly types fool you...  he was good...  really good...

I was SO nervous...  I buckled my seat belt...  checked all my mirrors...  Looked over my right to back up.... Did all of my turn signals...  no sudden stops...  complete stop at all the stop signs... made sure I didn't stop over the white line...  25 mph in a little residential neighborhood...  3 point turn, left shoulder, right shoulder again...  even had the pleasure of driving a safe distance behind a tractor...

When we got back to the DMV office, I'm thinking, "Piece of cake...boy, I did that perfect!... and I asked, in my most southern sweet way...  "So did I do ok?"  I didn't want him to think I was too confident...

And he looked at me, kind of smiled and said, "We'll talk about it when we get inside."  I laughed and said "Uh oh..."  certain that he was messing with me...  He couldn't have had a better driver in weeks with all of the teenagers they get!  NOT!!

We sat down at the desk and he says,  "Mom, I have some bad news." (He'd been calling me mom the whole time...  I told you, he was good at playing the role of sweet grandfatherly type!)  I thought, "Oh, this guy is good....  he is really going to drag this out before he tells me what a good driver I am."

"You didn't look over your right shoulder for the 3 point turn."

What...  Now he's taking it a little far...  "Pardon me?"  "You didn't look over your right should on the 3 point turn."

"But sir...  I clearly remember looking over both shoulders in the backing part of the turn."  "No mam (no more sweet grandfather...) you didn't."  "But I did..."  I was even silly enough to verbally walk him back through the turn...  Well, give this one up, surely they won't fail me for one thing...

But he wasn't done with me yet...  Oh no... "And mam, you can't speed during a driving test!"  SPEED...  I have a perfect driving record...  my husband and best friend tease me for driving slow...  SPEED...

But in my oh so sweet southern way,  I asked, "Where did I speed?"  "In the 35mph hour zone."  "No sir, I was watching my speedometer...  I did 25 through the entire residential area and then when it went up to 35, I watched my speedometer like a hawk...  I was definitely not speeding."  "Mam...  you were doing 40."  "NO SIR (now sweet southern girl is disappearing in a cloud of steam...  angry bull is lurking just below the surface)...  I am CERTAIN I did NOT speed...  the needle bounced between 35 and 36 the entire time."  "NO MAM...  you were doing 40!"

And with that...  he sent me home!  And poor Nick who waited all summer to do this and sat for 2 grueling hours waiting on me...  had to leave the DMV without his permit...  Not because of anything he did, but because his ditzy, procrastinating mom let her license expire!

Oh well...  after the angry bull (who never really made an appearance) went back into the corner and I got over the humiliation of failing a road test in front of my son...  we laughed and laughed...  How many kids can say they were with their mom when she failed her road test?!  In the end...  it's all about the story!  (I gave him permission to have fun at my expense when he got back to school!  Like he really needed my permission!  LOL!!)

And just FYI...  On the way home I said, "Nick, look and see how fast I'm driving."  His response...  "40!"  But the speedometer was sitting right in between 35 and 36...  The officer had the wrong perspective and in the end, made the wrong decision...  it really is all about perspective!

Stay tuned...  Next week "Sunday driver" Sharla will be at the DMV... I guess I should go ahead and make an appointment with the chiropractor to put my neck back in alignment from twisting so far around to be sure he doesn't miss the look over my right shoulder...